Last night I dreamt I was ten toes down in the dirt, the smell of blackthorn and meadow rue filling my lungs. It’s not often I have such sensory dreams – nothing much was happening, but I could feel it, I could smell it. I was just walking around, freshly-tilled earth underfoot, feeling really goddamn serene. A stark contrast to my waking reality – gratuitous wish fulfilment, to some extent: it felt like a markedly non-American landscape, absent of people and technology. It’s what I’ve been craving deeply. It’s also the first dream I’ve had since deleting Instagram from my phone. I won’t make this an entire diatribe about social media, because - truthfully - it’s only been 24hr, so let’s not get ahead of ourselves, diva... BUT! It just wasn’t serving me anymore. I tried so hard to be an objective viewer and consumer of content; however, all the shit would inevitably trickle down into my person and affect my artwork, or more so my self-worth. I’m so proud of friends and contemporaries, but watching people only post the good and achievements can be hard to view with the perspective that everyone has an unseen struggle. It often felt like I was pounding on the door to something (success, recognition, whatever…) begging to be let in, whilst watching other people have the door held open for them.
I also have grown frustrated with being inundated with immediate reactions to news without the grace and time to form my own untainted opinions. This isn’t to say I want to be ignorant to the goings-on. Quite the opposite: I’d say I’m a politically engaged person; however, I’d like to be able to read the news like a person, check a few of my own trusted, vetted sources, spend time with it, and digest. It’s a time where all the news is bad news lately – and consuming it filtered through people’s Instagram stories was not helping me understand it nor feel like I was doing anything constructive or helpful. Doomscrolling, aptly named, indeed.
On top of which, technology has been scaring me. A.I. is like… all kinds of crazy and makes me furious. As I’m typing this, I have a Band-Aid on my pointer finger from a cut I got from trying to put a keychain on my keyring and the TOUCH ID on my KEYBOARD recognized my FINGERPRINT from the <10% currently exposed to the world [ie. not covered by a Band-Aid]. And that just feels like… a lot. So, I’m trying to step away and have a more retro approach to tech as to not be swallowed by it all.
All that said, Instagram has been the way that I’ve grown my zine and art to the level it is and I owe a lot to everyone who has followed, shared, etc. I just want to focus on all of the aforementioned and in terms of art output, I want to focus on making art - not content. Some alchemy was happening, changing my view of the value of what I do, when it was boiled down to a semi-weekly Instagram post, aimed at high engagement. So blah, blah, blah… I kept Instagram active, but will only be accessing it via desktop computer, posting, and logging off. It’s an ugly interface to scroll / engage with on a desktop, so I probably won’t be lingering so much on there. And I can focus on these monthly emails more to keep you abreast of my thoughts and feelings and life-updates, and such. If you care! This also feels self indulgent, but I guess there’s a level of consent with y’all literally signing up for the email list… SO.
In other news, the tariffs (lol) kind of fucked my merch situation. The blanks I had been using got more expensive and the 3rd party printer was raising prices like mad. So I had to kind of rework all the designs and go through a different company – but, we’re back in business. Feel free to check out my shop and see if anything tickles your fancy. End of sales pitch.
Now, on to the fun stuff! Here’s something that just came up today as I was poking around some books that I wanted to share with you! I was reading about Goya’s “La maja desnuda” and “La maja vestida” — the same woman, painted in the same pose, once clothed and once nude. I really love this and the idea of showing them (as they currently are exhibited at Museo del Prado in Madrid) together - side by side. It has been an idea I’ve been interested in for a while and had never seen these Goya paintings before, but I’m living for her. Shown below next to a diptych I made in California - I’ve also wanted to show these side by side somewhere.
I’ve been giving y’all playlists with the last few emails, which I love. But I also want to use this space to share with you what I’m reading, watching, inspired by, etc. So…
Art book: I just got the Important Flowers/MACK-published book of Corinne Day photos from on set of The Virgin Suicides. I have (and treasure) my copy of The Face magazine with some of these photos already, but the hardcover book with unseen images from a box of recently-discovered negatives, plus new writing from Sofia and Jeffrey is really lovely. Corinne was such a talent and this was such a moment.
Reading: I’m currently reading Perfect Victims: and the Politics of Appeal by Mohammed El-Kurd. It’s taking me quite a bit of time to get through, admittedly, because I keep pausing, struck with disgust and nausea at some of the incredibly salient points being made about the horrors Palestinians have been subjected to under Israeli occupation/attack and the skewed perception and framing Western media has in reporting. It has me seething, crying, and I find myself after most paragraphs saying (out loud), “Exactly!” I highly recommend it – like…truly cannot recommend it enough. It’s an incredibly important, beautifully written, and thoughtfully presented book.
Watching: Not to belabor this particular issue, but I also just watched the documentary Israelism. It was distributed by Watermelon Pictures and most recently made widely available on VICE’s YouTube channel. I deeply resonated with so much of the unlearning and re-education the film focused on. It’s also wild to zoom out and see just how much of American-Jewish childhood was insidious indoctrination, my own included. Anyway, I could go on and on but not do as good of a job of explaining as the film does, so… just go watch it. It’s free and very powerful.
Inspiration: Beyond the kink world and photography, lately I’ve been trying my hand at learning Irish. It’s really an interesting language to try to tackle, given my only experience is with Romance languages. Irish is built different – and is a beautiful form of cultural celebration and resistance.
“Tír gan teanga, tír gan anam.” / “A country without a language is a country without a soul.”
- Patrick Pearse
Listening: In general lately, Anohni has been a singular voice that cuts through everything and I hear truth, trauma, and hope. I managed to catch her show at the Lincoln Theatre in D.C. last month with my brother and it was exactly what I needed. The new Perfume Genius record is also fab. I leave you with this playlist (via Apple Music again). I’d encourage you to go sit in the dirt and listen, ruminate on your rage and grief, let it fill you up. Imagine the lifting of whatever crises you’re feeling resting on your shoulders. Enjoy the air on your face and earth between your toes.
Anyway, thanks for sticking this out with me. I like having this little path to speak with you and being able to share some photos and what I’m finding interesting at the moment. Please feel free to respond to these emails - a few of you have - and getting a reply is quite nice. Have a beautiful beginning of spring and I’ll be reaching out next month!
Lots of love in leather & life,
Steven